Random EMS Silliness

Dispatch: Medic 3 there’s a 911 call needed at 123 Ahhhggg St. for an unknown medical


EMT1: Received for an unknown medical at 125 [EMT2: 3 sir} ah yes 123 Ahhhggg St. and en route

EMT1: Medic 5 [EMT2: 3 sir] Medic 3 on scene

Approach scene with cot followed by coconut clacks (happens every time with use of cot)

EMT1: Hey Old Woman, what has happened to your friend….

Bystander: I’m not a woman, I’m a man…

EMT1: Oh from the back --

Bystander: And I’m not OLD, I’m 35 years old…

EMT1: Sorry so young man --

Bystander: And my name is Dennis, of course if you just asked!

EMT1: Yes, Deniis tell us what happened!

Dennis: Well my friend was planting a nice but not too expensive shrubbery in the garden when a coconut fell from the sky and dropped on his head.

EMT1: A coconut?

Dennis: Yes by a unlaiden swallow I believe … and there he lays unconscious

EMT2: Wait an African or European Swallow?

Dennis: Well I don’t know that! Why does it matter?!

EMT1: When you’re EMTs you must know these kinds of things….anyway!

EMT2: Good sir, hello there? [No response]

Dennis: You see there’s a cut on his head

EMT2: Just a flesh wound

EMT1: Hmm, I’d say tis but I scratch

Dennis: But look at the blood!

EMT1: Okay well let’s get him on the board and package him up.

[Once secured to LBB]

EMT1: Okay on the count of 3 lift …1...2...5! [EMT2: 3 sir!] Yes, 3!

(As loading into the ambulance, coconut sounds)

EMT2: Medic 5 [EMT1: 3 sir!] Medic 3 en route to hospital

In the box

EMT 1 is gathering vitals and such…Pt wakes up

Pt: Where am I? What happened?

EMT1: Well we saved you from great peril having a coconut falling on your head

Pt: Well I don’t remember that…

EMT1: Of course you don’t that, it knocked you out!

Pt: Well I feel better now

EMT1: If you didn’t come with us, you’d be stone cold dead later

Pt: I don’t want to lay here like this

EMT1: It’s for your own good

Pt: Help! Help! I’m being repressed!

EMT1: Oh shut up and lay there!

EMT1: Here I want you to remember these words “Ni, Peng, and Neee-Wom.”

EMT1: [on the radio] Medic 3 to hospital….

This is the hospital - go ahead

EMT1: Medic 3 to hospital, I’d like to give you a pt report

Hospital: No, we don’t need it…we’ve already got one

EMT1: Already got one? But how?

Hospital: It doesn’t matter, now go away!

EMT1: Wait! Can I hear it?

Hospital: No you cannot! It’s always the same thing, someone is sick and then they get better! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elder berries! I burp in your general direction! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

EMT1: What I rather odd person…

Ambulance Bay

Pt: I don’t want to go in the hospital!

EMT1: Well you’re going, you can tell them that!

Pt: But I feel happy! I feel happy! I think I’ll go for a walk!

EMT2: Oh no you don’t [secures straps]

[Approaching the sliding door…hit the button to open…the pt in the background repeating he‘s happy]

Intercom: None shall pass!

EMT2: We have a pt that needs a doctor!

Intercom: Stop! Those who want to cross the doors of chaos must answer me these questions three!

Intercom: Where are you from?

EMT1: We just came from our ambulance

Intercom: What is your quest?

EMT2: To drop off this pt!

Intercom: What is your favorite color?

All three look at each other….in unison: Blue!

Intercom: Okay come on in

In the hospital

Nurse: Put him in Trauma Room 3

EMT1: Okay on the count of 3 we’ll move the pt over, ..1...2..5 [EMT2: 3 sir!] Yes, 3!

[Nurse bends over to look at pt with tech in the same room]

Pt: A witch! She’s a witch!

Nurse: I am not a witch, I am not a witch!

Pt: Well you’re dressed like one

Nurse: No it’s Halloween and they dressed me as one

Tech: She did turn me into a newt once…

EMT2: A newt?

Tech: Well I got better…

EMT1: {to nurse} sign here

As EMTs leaves a person with a white coat walks into Trauma Room 3

EMT1: He must be the doctor

EMT2: Why do you say that?

EMT1: Well he hasn’t any blood on him!

Back in the ambulance

EMT2: Medic 5 [EMT1: 3 sir!] Medic 3, is clear the hospital where do you need us?

Dispatch: Medic 3 respond to 826 Kin-igats Court for a female being attacked by a killer rabbit

EMT1: Received, is there any law enforcement on scene?

Dispatch: Negative, they ran away!

EMT2: Well I’ve always wanted to use the Holy Hand Grenade

EMT1: We’ll be en route!

The End

There's No Need to Fear! An EMT is Here!

When you ask a child what he or she wants to be when they grow up the conventional response includes, “I want to be a….doctor, nurse, veterinarian, cop, or a firefighter.” Why you ask? Well children have an innate need to help such as a doctor and nurse help sick people get better, veterinarians help your fuzzy friends, cops are the brave and protect loved ones, and firefighters save people from burning buildings or cats from trees. Unless the child has a family member who works on an ambulance, you can rarely hear one say “When I grow up I want to be an [ambulance driver] EMT.”

You see what many people don’t see is that we in EMS are superheroes. Of course we aren’t the dark crusader looking for trouble wearing an ominous cape. Of course we aren’t millionaires who fund our high tech gadgets in our utility belts. And of course we didn’t gain any superpowers through gamma rays and radiation. But I do think each one of us has gotten bit by The Bug, many I believe by accident – using EMS as a bridge to something more towards a career.

Our superpowers? We can go faster than the normal speed limit [within the safety of the public], bring people back from near death or sometimes death itself, we can bring down a force of electricity when warranted, and yes! Even some of us can be impenetrable to flying bullets [mostly urban areas]. We have the gift to look people in the eye and just know how to talk them down or just with a simple touch. We have the capability to control bleeding, the resources to help one take a single breath, and not surprisingly we can fly down for a rescue.

Naturally as with any superhero, one needs a lair to prepare, a safe house per say. Just like how the X-Men have Xavier Institute for Higher Learning and The Justice League have their headquarters, EMS has their own specific base or station. It’s a solid place where one can unwind, revitalize his equipment, restock used supplies, and for many to write down memoirs of each person we were called to help upon and how we assisted them. Furthermore, as superheroes we have our very own “Bat Mobile” hidden within our quarters.

Our superior enhanced vehicle known to the public is called the ECNALUBMA or a.k.a Ambulance. The mobile unit comes in different sizes from the notorious “Box” to the “Vanbulance”, and each ranging in various types of advanced equipment and toys. What’s more at our station, just like in the comic books, where the mayor called the big red phone for help or a giant light to the sky signaling for help, we too are called by a similar way. We have been trained to tell the difference of parallel tones through a small box radio when we are needed. Once dispatched to help either during the day or late at night, we ride with our blue and red lights and sirens. The sirens are like our theme song going into action, and to some a reassuring sound that Help is always available.

Eventually like most superheroes we ourselves experience weakness. There are days where we couldn’t help those in need, there are also times where helping people involve family members and close friends, and some of the worst times is when you can relate a tragic call and associate it to a loved one. Yet experiencing all of that, normally, knowing we did our very best is enough for us. Still as superhuman as we EMT members can be, we are still human. Yes there are “those” days when we [don’t want to get up in the morning] are tired. Yes there are “those” times where we feel abused, that is the time we constantly remind ourselves it is the citizen’s emergency not our own. Finally, yes there are “those” rotations when it seems we are not needed at all.

So how do we lighten up, get our fix, and let everything go? Many have their own different ways. The most popular is working out and being sociable with friends or family. Others will go to extreme measures such as jumping out of perfectly good airplanes to “relax”. However while on duty, just like Underdog or Popeye needing their “pick me up”, we too have our own devices. The majority would use, I believe, 120 mg of caffeine orally, or alias name is Coffee. Of course others will also use nicotine or pure sarcasm…if not all three.

Finally, just like any superhero dressed in cape and mask, we too have a unique attire. Just as Superman has a giant “S” symbol on his chest, we have pride wearing a six pointed star call the Star of Life somewhere on our clothing. Identical to each superhero having a strong moral code, our own has always been “Primum non nocere” or “First, do no harm”. Still, at the end when Superman becomes Clark Kent, Batman becomes Bruce Wayne, and Spiderman becomes Peter Parker; we too get to hang up our uniforms. But unlike our known superheroes, our identities are not kept a secret on purpose only to rest for another day.

So in truth, do EMT’s really play superheroes in everyday life? Those who have been in EMS called to action numerous times upon years would probably respond “Yeah, right…” Sure we can postpone the inevitable and give support, but we only DO when we are called. Most of the time the public perceives an ambulance lurking around just waiting for [death] trouble unlike the firemen who’s always able to show results in their shiny red truck or the police both protecting you and “looking” out for “your” safety. But I think that’s how it should be for a superhero to be misunderstood. Needless to say EMS people are eat the paste kind of special, morbid, yet always available 24/7 air and ground prepared with coffee readily in their veins.