Dispatch: Medic 3 there’s a 911 call needed at 123 Ahhhggg St. for an unknown medical
EMT1: Received for an unknown medical at 125 [EMT2: 3 sir} ah yes 123 Ahhhggg St. and en route
EMT1: Medic 5 [EMT2: 3 sir] Medic 3 on scene
Approach scene with cot followed by coconut clacks (happens every time with use of cot)
EMT1: Hey Old Woman, what has happened to your friend….
Bystander: I’m not a woman, I’m a man…
EMT1: Oh from the back --
Bystander: And I’m not OLD, I’m 35 years old…
EMT1: Sorry so young man --
Bystander: And my name is Dennis, of course if you just asked!
EMT1: Yes, Deniis tell us what happened!
Dennis: Well my friend was planting a nice but not too expensive shrubbery in the garden when a coconut fell from the sky and dropped on his head.
EMT1: A coconut?
Dennis: Yes by a unlaiden swallow I believe … and there he lays unconscious
EMT2: Wait an African or European Swallow?
Dennis: Well I don’t know that! Why does it matter?!
EMT1: When you’re EMTs you must know these kinds of things….anyway!
EMT2: Good sir, hello there? [No response]
Dennis: You see there’s a cut on his head
EMT2: Just a flesh wound
EMT1: Hmm, I’d say tis but I scratch
Dennis: But look at the blood!
EMT1: Okay well let’s get him on the board and package him up.
[Once secured to LBB]
EMT1: Okay on the count of 3 lift …1...2...5! [EMT2: 3 sir!] Yes, 3!
(As loading into the ambulance, coconut sounds)
EMT2: Medic 5 [EMT1: 3 sir!] Medic 3 en route to hospital
In the box
EMT 1 is gathering vitals and such…Pt wakes up
Pt: Where am I? What happened?
EMT1: Well we saved you from great peril having a coconut falling on your head
Pt: Well I don’t remember that…
EMT1: Of course you don’t that, it knocked you out!
Pt: Well I feel better now
EMT1: If you didn’t come with us, you’d be stone cold dead later
Pt: I don’t want to lay here like this
EMT1: It’s for your own good
Pt: Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
EMT1: Oh shut up and lay there!
EMT1: Here I want you to remember these words “Ni, Peng, and Neee-Wom.”
EMT1: [on the radio] Medic 3 to hospital….
This is the hospital - go ahead
EMT1: Medic 3 to hospital, I’d like to give you a pt report
Hospital: No, we don’t need it…we’ve already got one
EMT1: Already got one? But how?
Hospital: It doesn’t matter, now go away!
EMT1: Wait! Can I hear it?
Hospital: No you cannot! It’s always the same thing, someone is sick and then they get better! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elder berries! I burp in your general direction! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
EMT1: What I rather odd person…
Ambulance Bay
Pt: I don’t want to go in the hospital!
EMT1: Well you’re going, you can tell them that!
Pt: But I feel happy! I feel happy! I think I’ll go for a walk!
EMT2: Oh no you don’t [secures straps]
[Approaching the sliding door…hit the button to open…the pt in the background repeating he‘s happy]
Intercom: None shall pass!
EMT2: We have a pt that needs a doctor!
Intercom: Stop! Those who want to cross the doors of chaos must answer me these questions three!
Intercom: Where are you from?
EMT1: We just came from our ambulance
Intercom: What is your quest?
EMT2: To drop off this pt!
Intercom: What is your favorite color?
All three look at each other….in unison: Blue!
Intercom: Okay come on in
In the hospital
Nurse: Put him in Trauma Room 3
EMT1: Okay on the count of 3 we’ll move the pt over, ..1...2..5 [EMT2: 3 sir!] Yes, 3!
[Nurse bends over to look at pt with tech in the same room]
Pt: A witch! She’s a witch!
Nurse: I am not a witch, I am not a witch!
Pt: Well you’re dressed like one
Nurse: No it’s Halloween and they dressed me as one
Tech: She did turn me into a newt once…
EMT2: A newt?
Tech: Well I got better…
EMT1: {to nurse} sign here
As EMTs leaves a person with a white coat walks into Trauma Room 3
EMT1: He must be the doctor
EMT2: Why do you say that?
EMT1: Well he hasn’t any blood on him!
Back in the ambulance
EMT2: Medic 5 [EMT1: 3 sir!] Medic 3, is clear the hospital where do you need us?
Dispatch: Medic 3 respond to 826 Kin-igats Court for a female being attacked by a killer rabbit
EMT1: Received, is there any law enforcement on scene?
Dispatch: Negative, they ran away!
EMT2: Well I’ve always wanted to use the Holy Hand Grenade
EMT1: We’ll be en route!
The End
